Positive mindset and manifestations

Please note: I am 100 percent aware that things could be worse. I am not here to say anything negative about anyone, as I do not know everything they’re going through and so trying my best to see things with grace and love despite the hardships I am experiencing.

Three months ago I finally woke up and decided to trust God completely and walk away from the toxic environment I had let take over my life. After nearly 9 months of praying and trying to make things work with the father of my child, I had to finally let him go. He made it clear he had no intention to try and make it work with me. He actually told me I had to change in order for him to even make an effort. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, my ex husband. I knew if I kept lying to myself and moving forward with this man I would end up slowly dying inside.

Sorry, that may seem extreme, but I know I am more than enough. And I don’t have to change for anyone who’s unwilling to change for me. Think of it this way: I was willing to look past his flaws to try and make it work. He wasn’t. And that’s okay, better to know now and move on before having it hurt even more.

What was holding me back was fear. Mostly, financial fear. See, I was already working three jobs and barely making it. Asking for a room-mate to move out meant losing the small amount he was helping towards my mortgage and bills. It meant waiting on the state of Illinois to process my child support claim, which I expected to take a few months even before covid-19.

But in January, I started readjusting my mindset to focus on the positive. I started writing down manifestations to change the negative things going on in my life into positive. To be completely honest, I never planned on sharing these but have felt called to since we’re all going through hard times these days. So, enjoy.

Instead of I’ll watch our child so you can work three jobs,
Manifest
I’ll take care of you and our children so you no longer have to work three jobs.

Instead of I’ll split your mortgage with you but not contribute towards anything else,
Manifest
I’ll make sure you’re financially comfortable and content.

Instead of my other child is worth more than the one I have with you,
Manifest
Every child is priceless.

Instead of outgrowing a two bedroom condo,
Manifest
I will own a beautiful and spacious house in the Oak Park area.

Instead of you’re not worth fighting for
Instead of I don’t want to help you heal and take down your walls
Manifest
I’ll support you and be patient with you during your healing process

Instead of unless you’re struggling financially, I don’t see why I have to help contribute towards our child’s life
Manifest
I will do everything I can to ensure our child is healthy and happy

Have a great Sunday everyone! And I hope some of this has touched you/helped you in some way!

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Moving on from disappointment

If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ve likely noticed a trend of me writing about heartbreak and hard situations that have shaped me into the person I am today. Ever since going through my divorce, I have been on the defense with every person I meet. I settled just for the wrong attention after my divorce just to justify things in all the wrong ways. Because of this, I met a slew of disappointing people. I told myself the physical attention was enough for me, but in reality I was dying inside. My expectations lowered to a point where I expected to be disappointed. I lost my way from God’s plan for my life. I lost sight of Mr. Better, the person I heard God tell me about. I started believing the lies people were saying about me. That I wasn’t good enough to be loved, to be taken care of, to be put first. That somehow I had to just settle into being last in someone else’s life.

Due to all this heartbreak and pain, I started closing up. My astrology sign is a crab, and I took no time to harden my shell. I started self-sabotaging anything that seemed good. I didn’t trust anyone at all. I started telling myself it was too good to be true, or there were hidden red flags. I would start creating excuses to not meet someone, or not go on a second date, or just plain not even talk to someone smiling at me. I have a three year history of running away from everyone and everything, good and bad. The only people I haven’t pushed away are my church and running friends. They’re the only ones I really keep around. For everyone else, there was a very tall wall to climb.

More recently, I’ve been taking time daily to focus on God’s word and what He wants for me. I have been seeking His voice lately and have heard him through a few avenues. He is still saying there’s someone better for me. He’s telling me there’s someone worth letting my guard down for. Someone God’s been preparing for me as much as He’s been preparing me for him.

After about 4 weeks on a dating app, I decided to delete it and try a different one. An app I had never really tried before but I know two people who found their spouses through it. I had never tried it before because I wasn’t ready to date with intention until recently. I was too scared of getting my heart hurt once again to actually consider a boyfriend.

Also, it’s important to note, I haven’t had a boyfriend in 8 years. I have completely forgotten how to be a girlfriend. How to let someone in. How to just be myself with no fear and no regrets. Last week this guy messaged me as I was about to delete all dating apps, then he called me. I freaked out, I can’t remember the last time a guy called me to talk. Then the craziest thing happened, he called me daily after that. And we made plans to meet. It all felt natural. I’ve known him not even a week, but feels like I’ve known him longer. But in the midst of it all, I’m still fighting my battles of self-sabotage and wall building.

Last night he sang this song to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIxCtEveG8

And it was like the song was written about me. And him. See, he’s been single for 5 years. I’ve been single for three. We were just not finding the right person for us. I was trying to fit square pegs in the circle God created for my life. I was holding my breath in hopes for someone to wake up and realize my worth. I was wasting my time with all the wrong people. But it helped me realize exactly what I don’t want. Exactly what will make me run away.

While my walls are still high and strong, I have started on my healing journey to let God guide my steps.

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The beginning of the end

The year was 2016. Everything in my life was changing, and not in a good way. My Dad was engaged and about to marry a raging alcoholic. I was still grieving the recent loss of my mother and there were few things that felt solid in my life: my marriage and my therapist were the top two. Kung Fu helped me vent, as well. But all through everything else falling apart, I felt like I could count on my husband and my therapist.

Even when my husband was frustrated over my grieving and stress about my Dad, I still felt like we were solid. Even when he spent more and more time away from home, I just wrote it off as his way of dealing with things. I felt like my stress may have been overflowing onto him, so tried my best to give him everything he needed, including many “massages” and other activities where he didn’t invite me to. It felt like I had blinders on until he blew up at me. What seemed like overnight, he started sleeping on the couch and stopped talking to me. All the love and warmth was sucked out of the room when we were home. My world was officially falling apart, not just everywhere else but also at home.

And the only solid thing I could cling onto was my therapist. And God. I started praying daily from the first day I felt a rift in my marriage, which was about two months before my husband left the house. I prayed for someone to go to church with me, since it was pretty clear my husband wasn’t going to go anymore. I prayed not just for someone to invite me but for me to find a community where I belonged. And God answered my prayers.

My co-worker Elizabeth who I didn’t know very well invited me to her church. I could tell she was nervous to ask me, but I couldn’t say no. Especially since it was exactly what I needed, at the right time. I started attending Free Church right after my husband left the house. Right around that time, I finally realized just how many lies my husband had told me. It spiraled out of control and I ended up in the middle of a panic attack late at night. It felt like the entire house was spinning all around me and my life was falling apart. I started hyperventilating and felt dizzy. I considered driving myself to the ER or calling 911 if I didn’t move in the next few moments.

As tears started rolling down my face, I started talking to God. I couldn’t say anything other than I’m sorry. I apologized, over and over again, because here I was losing my shit over a person. A human being. A shitty, awful one but at the end of the day just a creature. And in the midst of all my tears and apologies, I heard God tell me “It’s ok, I have someone better for you.” And all of a sudden, I’m calm. My tears dry up, and I feel a sense of warmth and relief. And I fall asleep.

That was the beginning of the end of my marriage. But that was also the year I learned that just because one thing ends doesn’t mean that everything is over. Actually, it usually means a new, different opportunity will present itself. And in the end, as long as you trust in God, he will take you where you’re supposed to go.