So I took a personality test recently and my result was ENFJ. Normally I don’t believe this kind of stuff, but actually it’s spot on. If you know me, look it up here and you’ll be reading all about me. Other ENFJ’s? Obama, Oprah, and Jennifer Lawrence. To say I’m destined for greatness would be an understatement. I’m not saying I’ll be famous or even successful, just that I’m crazy and have big dreams and passions in life. I’ve always been this way, but unfortunately kind of lost my way when with my ex-husband. He would deny my dreams and tell me to not think that way. Now that I’m free of his terribleness, I’m free to pursue my dreams and passions in life. I feel set free. Don’t mind my murmurings…
I’ve been on a roller coaster over the last few months of my life, I’ve experienced every emotion from extreme sadness and anger to extreme happiness and what I thought could be love. I realize now it was all a part of this healing process that I’m still experiencing. Bear with me please, it’s been a rough year and a half. Losing my mom was when this pain that I can’t describe started. For those who don’t know, my mom was my best friend. We would talk multiple times a day. If a day passed where we didn’t talk then I knew there was something wrong (maybe she was mad at me!). She died suddenly in December of 2015. I say suddenly, but she fought the good fight against cancer for many years and we knew the end was coming, we were just in denial of how quickly she would go. I was hoping against all hope, and praying constantly that she would heal and recover and be my old spunky mom again. Instead, God took her home at a way too young age of 58. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of her. She is and was the best mom on the planet. I am a little biased though.
And her passing away was just the beginning. Two months later, my dad meets a woman and starts dating her. Two months after that, they get engaged. Five months after getting engaged, they get married on the other side of the world despite everyone in the family telling my dad to wait a little longer. Married within 9 months of my mom’s death, to a complete stranger (in my opinion). Out of all of this, I start therapy to deal with my grief over losing my mom and my anger at my dad. I trust my husband to be there for me, but instead he pulls away over time and starts sleeping around with multiple girls. I trust him up until the day he leaves the house and doesn’t come back. Then everything is made clear to me: all the lies of where he was going, and who he was fucking. There was a night I was laying in my bed – in “our” bed – and I had a panic attack. Not only the thought of “Do I have an STD?” crossed my mind, but also, why did he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? All I did was trust and love him. And he took advantage of me.
And on top of it all, with his best friend’s sister (well that was one of them). Someone I thought was my friend. Some “friend.” Well, I’ve come a long way from that night. And even that night, as I was panicking I was apologizing profusely to God and I heard God speak to me in the midst of my panic, He said “Calm down, Jen. I have someone better for you.” Instantly I calmed down. And I’ve been healing since (STD free BTW in case you were wondering). With the new year, came the new boys. But recently I discovered that while the attention was great and I thought I was happy, it was just a bandaid. I’m still recovering. And I’m no where near getting into another relationship. So, I’ve decided to be single for awhile, a long while. And to work on myself. I want to love myself for me, and I want to grow in the Lord as I move to Oak Park and become more involved with my church.
Which as I run and help lead the Marathon training through my church and World Vision, I think I will grow in the church in addition to my fitness and relationship with God. Yes I am insane, but this is me. Take it or leave it. Until next time.