A bittersweet March

Tomorrow is March 1st, the beginning of a new month in the new year. It’s also the beginning of Lent. My heart quickens a bit as it’s also the court date for my divorce.

Divorce is an ugly word, and it brings a pot full of mixed emotions when I think of it. I never thought I would go through a divorce, and sometimes I still wake up thinking it’s all just a bad dream. But it isn’t. My husband left in October 2016 and never came back. There were many moments and days where I cried and prayed he would come back. And now, for the most part, I wouldn’t mind never seeing him again. I say that, but the truth is much more complex than that. Isn’t it always?

There’s a song by Gwen Stefani that comes to mind where she says:

I don’t know why I cry
But I think it’s ’cause I remembered for the first time
Since I hated you
That I used to love you

And she’s singing about her ex-husband Gavin at the time. I feel like I can completely relate to this, but that I don’t feel exactly the same way. I can’t say I used to love Vince because I still love him. I know this sounds insane, but I chose to love him unconditionally and I took a vow with him. While this vow has been broken and we are both moving on with our lives, I don’t see myself ever not caring about the man that I was with for 7 years of my life. The love I have for him has changed, obviously. I will never be able to trust him again, and therefore I could never be in love with him like I was before. But he will always and forever have a special place in my heart, despite everything he said and did to me. And despite it all, I wish him only the best in his life. I hope he finds true happiness.

Forever and always. Goodbye Vince.

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2 thoughts on “A bittersweet March

  1. Jen, I am so sorry to hear that this has become a reality for you. I know you hurt and may be in disbelief. Just keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. God puts certain people in our lives so that we learn more about ourselves and grow into the individuals we are meant to be. As Margaritas said, remember er the good times and don’t allow this act of “leaving” to taint those memories or your personal happiness. I will pray for you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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