Freshman year [This is Thirty series]

Previous post: High School

I left off the story at the end of my Senior Prom. After Prom, I graduated from high school and had a graduation party. At this party, most of my friends and family celebrated with me. Right around this time, one of my guy friends flirted with me and confessed that he had a crush on me (not the same guy I went to Prom with, his friend who introduced us). I was about to leave for a two week trip to Europe with my high school orchestra group and my family, so I didn’t act on the news and instead chose to put it on pause until I returned. By the time I returned, he had already moved on. Over the summer before college, I grew anxious over the thought of moving out of my childhood home, away from my parents. I also got to know the guy I had taken to prom better, over AIM since he lived in Wisconsin and was about 2 hours away from me.

The week I left for school was the same week I left behind family drama by getting out of that environment. The night before I left for school, my mom had gotten so mad at my dad she left the home for several hours and didn’t show up back home until midnight. To say I was a wreck is an understatement. I started school with the thought that I was starting a new life. I stopped going to church (no one to make me go) and I found myself not eating much unless I was around people I knew. Over time, I ended up eating on average only a meal a day, maybe two if I was lucky. I soon decided to start dating that Wisconsin guy, even though I was even further away from him. We made it work: I visited him over labor day, he visited me one October weekend. We really liked each other, I gave him his first kiss ever (crazy). Then he exposed his true self to me. He told me some stuff about his past, which didn’t bother me. He told me he wanted me to know Jesus and be Christian and grow in the Lord with him. All of this scared me. I didn’t fully understand it and it came off as really strong from him. It took a toll on an already taxing relationship (due to the distance). I took a few weeks to think about what I wanted, but ended up dumping the guy right around Thanksgiving.

Shortly after this, I clung onto my other friends to move on as smoothly as possible. I mentioned this before, but this was when I called up my internet friend often and found talking to him helped me move on, but also found myself falling for this friend of mine as well. It was a very one-sided feeling that he couldn’t quite match with me due to the distance. Knowing this, I fell into a very emotional time in my life. Near the end of February, I posted some blog posts that were very dark and painful. One of my friends ended up calling the police on me since she didn’t have my phone number to call me to make sure I was ok. She was worried I was suicidal, which I wasn’t but I was glad for the wake up call. I spent the night in the ER and afterwards, somehow, felt a lot better.

I started making all the needed moves to try my best and move on from my fake imaginary relationship in my head with my internet friend. It took him emailing me “back to the bloody drawing board” to finally get it to sink into my thick skull and settle into my mushy brain. At this point, I definitely had a very poor outlook on my dating life, and the thought of marriage never crossed my mind in a positive way. In April, I met a guy through a mutual friend of ours and almost instantly had a crush on him. The first night we met, the three of us played card games. This was one of the first times I realized I had a thing for the nerdy boys. I pursued this one, ended up asking him out to dinner, lunch, and made him watch a movie or two with me. Unfortunately, it was already near the end of the school year when this was happening. He was from Texas and was going back to Texas for the summer. I was going to ask him if he liked me, but ended up losing my guts and never asking. Instead, I went into the summer apprehensive to leave school (I finally enjoyed it) and secretly hoping he would still like me in the fall.

Next post: Sophomore Year


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