I know this is late, but this is something that I have to write and get out there into the universe. This is something I’ve been struggling with over the past few weeks and I tried to close myself off from everyone around me and push all my feelings deep down inside me and try to smile despite it all. Needless to say this backfired and bit me in the butt.
May 8th was the first mother’s day without my mom. It was one of the worse days of my life and the week leading up to it I was a complete wreck. Most people don’t know since I tried my best to cry only when I was alone. There is no good way to explain how it feels to lose a parent. It’s something most people go through, but usually it isn’t when you’re still in your twenties. My mom wasn’t just a mom. She was my best friend. I told her everything, no filter. I talked to her daily, usually multiple times. When she was near we would hang out often. Every mother’s day I’d do my best to get her a sweet card and some beautiful flowers along with doing whatever it was she wanted to that day. This mother’s day was very different.
This mother’s day I was reminded constantly on how I no longer had a mom. I saw my friends sharing their special days on social media and gorgeous pictures of them and their beautiful mothers smiling and being happy. All I could do was cry and try my best to remember the good times with my mom. All I wanted to do was call my mom, talk to my mom, hear her voice, see her smile. Instead I’m imagining what it would be like if she were here.
I ask you all to be there and be understanding for your friends who have lost a parent and are going through grieving, especially through these holidays like mother’s and father’s day. No matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t ever get easier. You may become more numb to it but every holiday, every birthday, and every life event will be harder without my mom there. I keep thinking my future kids will never know their grandma and that just makes me more sad. The last few weeks of her life still haunt me to this day and I doubt I’ll ever be able to erase those horrible memories. I’ve started therapy recently due to this and other stresses in my life from other sources. I hope it helps me start healing from the loss of my mom and helps me feel better, even slightly. Thank you for hearing me out. And I do plan on posting more positive posts soon. Despite all of this, I’ve still been working out, doing kung fu and running as much as I can. I’m trying my best to cope and move on with my life. Some days are better than others. Thank you for being there for me and for understanding.